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Grapevine : August 2010
While showering before school one morning, the solution presented itself. I would kill myself before ju- nior year. The misery of life was just too much to bear. I thought about the end every hour of every day. But I kept delaying the end, until a week before graduation. After a few hours of drinking at a friend's house, I decided to drive my car. My girlfriend at the time was taking too long to pick me up, and I got impatient. I drove my Volkswagen down the road---quite slowly, but swerving all the way. I hit an embankment on the side of the road and rolled the vehicle. I was very angry with the police and emergency medics who were just trying to help me, and refused to give them infor- mation. I'd been in a blackout, so this information was told to me in the hospital after the crash. I came to, pulling IVs out of my arm, and I tried to leave the hospital. For my mother, who had lost two of her brothers, this must have been her worst nightmare. I passed out and woke up in a hospital room with a figure on a cross staring at me. "You are very lucky," a nurse started. "You should have been dead after drink- ing that much. God loves you." "No he doesn't," I replied. "If he really did, he would have taken me today." I stayed up that entire night, full of fear with an IV of pain medica- tion. Suddenly, everything appeared somewhat real. I watched my mom trying to fall asleep in the bedside chair but tossing and turning the en- tire night. I felt horrible, wanting to end it even more now. As a result of the DWI charge, I was required to attend meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. I went to one, before I figured out I could sign my own court papers. And AA was not for me, I decided after that first meeting. As soon as I heard the word God, I tuned out. Ending the meet- ing with the Lord's Prayer did not help their cause. That summer passed: I gradu- ated high school and went off to college. I chose a university where I knew I could drink as much as I wanted and my fellows wouldn't look down on it. After all, I was a party animal. I rarely made class, stayed in my room drinking alone many nights, and was still miser- ably suicidal. I made the mistake of telling this to a psychiatrist in the spring semester and found myself at the local mental hospital. I didn't belong: I was not like these people. As soon as I heard the word God, I tuned out. Ending the meeting with the Lord’s Prayer did not help their cause. 54 August 2010