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Grapevine : January 2011
doesn't matter. What does matter is the shell of a human being that I be- came. Paying rent, maintaining em- ployment and basically all responsi- bilities were optional. Fermenting in my filthy apartment for weeks at a time, and struggling within a dark hole of apathy, was not optional. During this time, bringing knives into the bathtub in contemplation of slitting my wrists was a common oc- currence. I was in so much pain be- cause I couldn't live with, or without, the very substance that I thought in- tegral to functioning in the world. If I drank, I wasn't a good person. If I didn't drink, I couldn't stand living in my body. I was hopeless. As far as I could see there was no escape. No solution existed. For me, that didn't mark the end. It was, however, my first real- ization that I was powerless over alcohol. In taking the first drink, I knew that I became a puppet of de- struction, bending to every masoch- istic whim my disease demanded. And let me just say---it did demand. However, the deepest, blackest, loneliest days of my life still couldn't beat me into submission. And sim- ply stated, not enough pain equals no change for this alcoholic. Ironically, my bottom was not when I lost my apartment, my job, my boyfriend or the respect of my family. No, I hit the depths of despair when I could no longer feel any emotion at all. I could not get any lower unless I was buried. And in truth, that destination was not far off. I transformed from a young girl, full of talent and prom- ise, to a selfish, self-seeking, walk- ing corpse, preying on those who had one weakness: their love for me. My insides were a rotten and putrid mess, eating me alive, and I could no longer fool those who cared about me into thinking that I The deepest, blackest, loneliest days of my life still couldn't beat me into submission. Ironically, my bottom was not when I lost my apartment, my job, my boyfriend or the respect of my family. No, I hit the depths of despair when I could no longer feel any emotion at all. I could not get any lower unless I was buried. 20 January 2011