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Grapevine : January 2011
was "fine." I was far from fine. I was a zombie, a bag of bones, operated and owned by poison. In admitting helplessness, the words that I uttered, although fall- ing from my lips, were not my own. Today I know they came from a source outside of, and greater than, myself. My mother was a puddle on the floor, and I couldn't even pro- duce a single tear. I was hollow. I was empty. I was simply not there. For some reason, "I need help" found its way out of my mouth. The very same mouth that had proclaimed its independence from this disease as a child was seeking rescue from it. How had that happened? When had I passed the point of no return? To- day I know with certainty that point was when I took my first sip. I was born an alcoholic. When I was borne into the rooms of AA I became an alcoholic in recovery. Many may scoff at the words "grate- ful to be an alcoholic." Those people simply do not understand. Being an alcoholic in recovery has opened the door of self-awareness for me. I have a keen knowledge of myself and my disease. I have a library of resources for any problem I may have. Alcoholics Anonymous is a program of beautiful paradoxes. In the Steps we surrender to win, give in order to receive and find power within our powerlessness. In ac- cepting ownership of our thoughts and actions as powerful tools of intention, married with the notion that we remain powerless over ev- erything else, we carve a direct path to freedom. Alcoholics Anonymous teaches us this. The timeless jux- taposition of finding power within powerlessness is one of the greatest assets of this sober alcoholic. And I am grateful for it. Kelly S. West Hempstead, N.Y. Discussion topic In admitting helpless- ness, the words that I uttered, although falling from my lips, were not my own," writes the author of "Puppet of Destruction." "Today I know they came from a source outside of, and greater than, myself." Her bottom, she says, was when she could no longer feel any emotion. "I was hollow. I was empty. I was simply not there," she writes. "For some reason, 'I need help' found its way out of my mouth." How did you recognize your powerlessness and arrive at the point where you could ask for help? You may use this topic at a discussion meeting or share your thoughts and experiences on i-Say, www.aagrapevine.org. Grapevine 21