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Grapevine : February 2011
RECENTLY, I celebrated 25 years in the pro- gram. is isabigdealtome because, before sobriety, I never was a success at anything. I think that I was graduated from college because I have a diploma, but it's printed in Latin and I can't read Latin. I really think that my alma mater passed me just to get rid of me. At least I showed up for classes every day---hungover, but physically present. I feel good about my lifelong commitment to AA. Unlike college, I don't have to pass any tests, and I can study at my own pace. I don't need a 10-point GPA to get into AA; I just need a desire to put the plug inthejuganda willingness to keep it there. I've been clini- cally depressed most of my life. My drug of choice was hard liquor---it was cheap, legal and convenient. I could always rely on it, unlike people. It cured everything for me---loneli- ness, fear, insecu- rity, inadequacy, guilt, shame and being a lesbian. I could feel as though I belonged and was just like speed. If ever there was a time in so- briety when I felt like drinking, it was at that moment. I remember at one of our first meetings telling J. that I felt like smoking pot and that if I ever re- lapsed I wouldn't confine it to just al- cohol. I definitely needed to immerse myself in the Steps. Then, shortly into our sponsor- ship, I began developing feelings to- ward J. I understand why old-timers suggest that women sponsor women and men sponsor men. Needless to say, I was not prepared to be in a situation where I had to question my motives when it came to my own sponsor. I de- cided I needed to be honest with her. In her wisdom, she made it very clear that she could no longer be my sponsor. I felt like I was in a whirl- wind and my life as I knew it was done. I was suffering under the lash of my alcoholism and I was attracted to a woman. Not just any woman---my sponsor! God had a terrible sense of humor. However, some of the pieces of my puzzle were starting to fit. J. urged me to start going to some GLBT meetings downtown. I thought I needed to play it cool so that may- be they would think I'd been out for a long time. It was like going to an AA meeting hoping no one would think I was an alcoholic. The funni- RIGHT SIZED LIVING 18 February 2011