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Grapevine : February 2011
everyone else. Having grown up in the 1950s, that was important. Booze made me feel special, yet it also made me mean. I took my anger out on my younger sister, her friends, the family dog---anyone who gotinmyway.I never was satisfied with anything. I had grandiose expectations of myself as well as others. Nobody, not even me, could meet my expectations. When I was in college, I was involved in an alcohol-related car accident, which resulted in a closed-head injury. I didn't know until a er I got sober that alcohol had masked the symptoms from my head injury: anger, short-term memory loss, distractibil- ity and impaired problem-solving. Today, I have balance in my life and, if I stay out of my own way, I try to live right-sized. I know the di erence between my wants and my needs. I try not to make selfish demands on others. I ques- tion my motives. I don't take more space than I need. I don't clutter my life with unneces- sary "things." I'm learning to be so- cially responsible. Generally, with my Higher Power's help and that of the Fellowship of AA, I try to live life on life's terms. And if it works, I don't fix it. Marcia F. Seattle, Wash. est thing happened. I started hearing parts of my story: how I drank, how I felt. A few members even shared about coming out later in life. I met C.K. and asked her to sponsor me. And guess what? Her story is very similar to mine. I'd been in AA long enough to know I should stick around to hear the similarities. I clung to her like glue. I was in such virgin territory. I knew nothing of what it was to show up as me, insecurities and all. I actu- ally felt embarrassed because for the first time I couldn't fake it. I was a deer in the headlights. It took me a while to feel comfortable being out in gay AA. I altered my appearance with a few piercings because that was what I was comfortable with. Holes could always grow back. I was some- what into the shock value, but that was short-lived. All those aspects of myself that I'd been hiding because they weren't acceptable came burst- ing out of me in a somewhat comical fashion. I was an rebellious teenager trapped in a 30-year-old body. I knew I was home, and for the first time I could come clean with the secret I'd been hiding my entire life. Peeling the layers off tested my sobriety in ways I couldn't have imagined. One of the biggest things I never was satisfied with anything. Nobody, not even me, could meet my expectations. Grapevine 19