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Grapevine : February 2011
was that I didn't know how to relate to my home group as a newly out lesbian. I made the decision to leave my group for almost a year. C.K. had a gentle way of lead- ing me through this often painful process. I'd grown up in a family where queers were made fun of and I'd adopted some homophobia that I seriously needed to look at. My prejudice was toward myself and how I believed God saw me: God didn't love me. He was just waiting for me to screw up, to say I told you so, and then I would get the punish- ment I deserved. That's the kind of Higher Power I came to Alcoholics Anonymous with. I would rather risk a life without a God than to have one that rejected me, so I re- belled at the idea of opening myself up to a Higher Power. It took a long time to really trust that a Higher Power loves me and has my best interest at heart. It happened as I made my way through the Twelve Steps. When I decided to be fearless and thor- ough, withholding nothing, I be- came a useful and productive par- ticipant in my life. Nothing could have pre- pared me for this sober journey. Every time I think I have an idea as to what my Higher Power has planned, I realize my plans are sub- ject to change. I had an amends to make to my first sponsor. I was incapable of being completely honest with her when I decided to change sponsors. I came clean and shared my truth, and she couldn't have been any more encouraging and supportive. I decided the only way I would truly be comfortable in my skin was to share my story at my old home group. After doing so, the women in the meeting came up to me and thanked me for sharing. I felt at home once again. M. F. Discussion topic It took me a while to feel comfortable being out in gay AA," writes the author of "On Dangerous Ground." "I didn't know how to relate to my home group as a newly out lesbian. I made the decision to leave my group for almost a year." Going through the Steps and being "fearless and thorough," she is able to overcome a lingering prejudice toward herself, return to her home group and share her story. In sobriety, how did you eventually begin to accept yourself? You may use this topic at a discussion meeting or share your experience on i-Say, www. aagrapevine.org. 20 February 2011