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Grapevine : February 2011
like I would be doing 28 meetings for my efforts. Kiddo and I went for coffee and meals. Toward the end of my first week there, he wasn't at the meeting and I would have liked to machine gun everybody in the AA room. I was irritable, miserable and discontented. At the meeting's halfway break, I went outside and he was walking up the street. My insides got all mushy, my heart jumped into my mouth and I got all self-conscious about how I looked. This was all new to me. What the hell was happening? Surely this love thing was something that couldn't happen to me. It was some- thing that happened to other people or was in books or songs. I was in love. WE spent time together. I was alive and I was feeling emotions I thought I had buried. Then one after- noon he picked up a drink. All the AA stuff went out the window. I didn't cut and run. I stayed because my desire for him was greater than my desire for self- preservation. I thought of drinking with him. I also thought about taking drugs with him, even though I have never used drugs. I considered staying in Puerto Vallarta and not coming home. Don't worry; I never succumbed. These feeling were short-lived, but the fact that I had them spoke volumes. I was sober and not acting on them. Then came my seventh anniver- sary. I had to speak at two meetings and at the second one there was a cake. Kiddo was there all the way through. I had arranged for us to go to dinner alone after the meeting. We were walking down the street after the meeting and he ran back and returned with the "seven" candle that had been wrapped up for me to keep. It meant the world to me that at last someone was caring for me. When we sat down for dinner I or- dered a cola; he ordered a martini. Straight away, I justified being there, although I had an underlying level of discomfort. The evening ended up with me accompanying him to a club to score cocaine. I saw that this was not what I, as a sober member of AA, was supposed to do. In short, he wanted the party to continue. I saw a man who was in the throes of addiction. I was second fiddle, and the consideration and atten- tiveness of earlier in the evening was no longer there. I left. I felt my heart break back in the hotel room, and eventually got to sleep. The next day was my last and I said my farewells to all my newfound friends. I didn't think Kiddo would show, but he did, looking 100 years old. He apologized for putting me through the previous night's drama. I told him I knew what I was doing. We parted friends, with phone num- Grapevine 23