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Grapevine : April 2011
I n the beginning, I was skep- tical. I mean, I knew I drank too much and, okay, I could admit I blacked out "a few times." I just wasn't really sure if this "AA thing" was for me. In November of 2001, I enjoyed a full day of consuming my favorite beverage, which at that point was everything in the house with alcohol in it. I remember feeling so empty and I just couldn't fill that emptiness with alcohol anymore. That night, out of sheer des- peration, I quietly crawled into bed with my husband and woke him up, crying, begging him to help me kill myself. I just couldn't face the light of one more day. I was experiencing the black hole we refer to as "our bot- tom." The very next morning I awoke alone. I knew it! He'd finally left me. It was over .... Little did I know, but he had slipped out of the house and raced to our doctor's office, pleading with him to help me. As I wandered around Just one more meeting Nine years later, it's still the only commitment she's had to make the house, crying, phones kept ring- ing, alternating between my cell and the house phone. I found myself lay- ing on the kitchen floor in the fetal position, crying my eyes out and try- ing to block out the ringing noise. Fi- nally, I saw on my cell that it was my husband, so I answered and begged him to come home. He said to just stay there and wait, which I did. He helped me from the floor and dressed me, softly explaining that he was going to take me to the doctor. I had no hope, so what did it matter? The next thing I remember hearing was the sound of doors click- ing behind me as I walked into my first experience with detox. It took weeks to come out of the fog I hadn't realized I was in. My vision of life as I knew it was over. I met with a very kind doctor who explained that I had a disease that needed treatment. My disease was alcoholism. I attended my first AA meeting outside of detox, still feeling that black hole inside of me, that void of emptiness. I didn't know if AA was PHOTO BY ANONYMOUS aagrapevine.org 51