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Grapevine : May 2011
But, I was on a one–lane freeway to self-destruction and deep down I knew it. Drinking was exciting, rebel- lious and dangerous, things I liked in life. I rode motorcycles and drove like there were no rules. Drinking seemed like a right, not a privilege. Slowly, though, my attitude to- ward alcohol changed from a fun thing, to a desperate need. Drinking calmed my mind, erasing the fear and bad thoughts. It was my best friend. I was owned by the drink. I needed it all the time, except when I was working, because if you drink while you are at work, you’re an al- coholic. So, I gave up employment to drink during the day, so I was safe from alcoholism. Crazy, I know, but that was my thinking back then. I started visiting rehabs and got introduced to AA, but was never ready to do what was needed to re- cover from alcoholism. So I stayed drunk for eight years, venturing in and out of AA, arriving drunk to meetings and sometimes being re- fused entry. I hit another bottom, no more dangerous, humiliating or degrad- ing than any other bottom I’d hit, but I started thinking of suicide now. I had tried all known forms of treatment (psychiatry, psychol- ogy, antidepressants, rehabilitation units and prescription drugs, etc.) none of which worked. So, this was it. AA or the end. I was living in South Korea when my crisis hit. I looked up a meeting on the internet and I went to one on a Saturday night, desperate enough to pass two guards with M-16’s at the military gates, but I couldn’t find it so I gave up. I thought about drink- ing on the way home on the train. aagrapevine.org 43 GRAPE_42-44.indd 43 4/4/11 1:04 PM