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Grapevine : November 2011
want and it lasted three months. I got a temporary job and was fired from that. I got another job then, a rather good job with the kind of money and title that I wanted but the pink cloud (if it may be called that) lasted until I found out that in this company rais- es and advancement were unheard of. My drinking picked up here and I started losing time from work. I lasted a year there and got fired. Then was to follow eight months of unem- ployment; I started drinking during the day. I would go for interviews in the morning and start drinking as soon as I got home in the afternoon. I knew I would have to go over the whole thing again when my mother came home, and I solved that by ei- ther being passed out or so oblivious to everything that I didn't care. By the end of those eight months I couldn't even get jobs I didn't want. But finally, I did get a job, again with the money and title I wanted. When I got it I was so grateful that I was a real fish. Whatever I was asked to do I did. I stayed many hours over- time without pay. My boss was nice for awhile but finally turned mean. I had liked her, and felt gratitude for the job; now I was deeply hurt and I sought the usual answer for an alco- holic---drink. In August of 1964 I got drunk in a way that involved not only myself but other members of my fam- ily unpleasantly and from that time on until I came into AA in 1965, I don't think a day went by that I didn't think of suicide. It really bothered me that I just didn't have the nerve to take my own life. BEGINNING OF THE END The day came when my mother sat across the table from me and cried because of the condition I was in and the more she cried the more I drank. During my last drunk, which started out with my intending to take "a little" blackberry brandy and end- ed up by my taking the whole quart plus some of a pint of whiskey (even though I was dreadfully ill while I drank), I thought of AA because I felt I had tried everything else and noth- ing had worked. I wrote to AA the next morning. A woman called me from Inter- group on Wednesday. By that time I didn't feel too badly since usually after I got drunk I couldn't look at a drink again for four or five days. I tried very hard to convince that woman that I wasn't worried, only interested. She told me there was a meeting at Gotham Thursday night. SECOND THOUGHTS I started out for the meeting from work. I worked on Forty-Third Street, and Gotham is on Sixty-Ninth Street. All the way up I kept telling myself that I should go home, that I was all right. But the woman from Inter- group had told me to look for some- one at Gotham and I was afraid if I didn't go in this woman would come 14 November 2011