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Grapevine : November 2011
after me. I kept looking into restau- rant windows and seeing drinks on trays and I wanted to drink badly but I had never gone into a bar or restau- rant alone for a drink. I reached Gotham and stood outside the door. A man was going in who looked dreadful to me. My reac- tion was: "Now you've done it. Now you've hit bottom." And I had the most terrible urge to run away and go home. However, I went in and I met a woman there who told me she had been in AA for about three months, and she was still dizzy. This was the first time that I ever equated liquor with dizziness. I had been dizzy for months but I thought it was because I was taking vitamin pills and then I would stop the vitamin pills and find I was still dizzy and then I would start taking them again. I had had one whiskey sour at lunch that day. I told the man who led the beginner's meeting that eve- ning about the one whiskey sour and I really expected him to tell me to go home, that I didn't need AA. But in- stead he said, "You'll have one today and one next week but eventually you'll be drunk." And I knew he was right because this had happened over and over again. He said, "Whether you know it or not these are the people you have been looking for all your life." That ap- pealed to me since I knew I had been searching for something for years. I stayed for the open meeting and a young fellow said in his talk that he hadn't laughed for a long time before he came into the pro- gram and I realized that it had been a long time since I had laughed. In fact, it took me a long time in the program before I could laugh without saying to someone, "Don't I sound funny?" However, I didn't think AA was for me. The next morning I wanted to drink the minute I got up. And I did drink that night. I had two rum cock- tails, then I brought two bottles of stout home with me. (Quite a combi- nation!) I knew there was also a bot- tle of whiskey in the house and I sat for a whole hour trying to get up the nerve to ask my mother for a drink even though I knew she wouldn't give it to me. The next night I joined the Sut- ton Group. I didn't think AA would help me but I decided to try it. For the first time in years (maybe even in my lifetime) I felt a sense of belonging. I became active in my group right away and was asked to be secretary after about two and a half months. I was scared but I accepted because I was told that this would be good for me. They all drank, so I drank. I felt this was the thing to do. I couldn't belong unless I drank. aagrapevine.org 15