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Grapevine : November 2011
ADVICE The night I joined Sutton the man who signed me up said, "The best way to go about this program is to be stupid." Well, my college degree flashed in front of my eyes and I thought of my job and I was angry and replied, "I am not ex- actly stupid." "Oh, but you are when it comes to drinking," he said. And I real- ized he was right. I hadn't wanted my life to turn out this way and I hadn't wanted to be the heartbreak to my mother that I was. I think when I first joined I did it for my mother and to hold onto my job, but I very shortly re- alized that I wanted this for myself and this was a good thing since I lost my job after I was three months sober, and my mother still does not understand why I have to go to so many meetings. After I lost my job I went through a period where I was very dramatic. I more or less discharged my sponsor saying that it was just a matter of time till I drank again since I couldn't see what else I could do to face the re- alities of life and I said I didn't want her or AA to feel responsible. Actually I did; I wanted to blame it on some- one if I drank again. However about IAM THANKFUL today for the years of my drinking, as well as for the years of my so- briety in AA. Perhaps I am more thankful for those drinking years than for these sober ones. e drunkenness, the illness, the insanity, the antiso- cial behavior, the loss of love and friendships, and, above all, the total self-destruction of myself as a decent human be- ing led me into a death of the spirit---and caused me to be born again. In the darkness, I wept and cursed and drank and passed out. And yet, in moments of sobriety, I kept searching for the answer, for help. Even when drunk, I cried out for it secretly. And I was given help. I found AA. I am thankful that I was an agnostic, self-willed and self-annihilating. I had been christened and raised in an orthodox faith which was not for me. I le the church at a young age, and then there seemed to be no God to turn to. I knew of no power greater than myself. I am thankful that I tried, for 10 drunken and terrible years, to pull myself up by my own bootstraps. No one could have reached me, though psychiatrists and doctors tried. I was unreachable. It was a stretch in the road of my life where I had to stumble onalone.IcansayIam grateful for the way I came. I bless the past retro- actively, and love all my so-called enemies, and forgive myself for my own trespasses. I am grateful THANKFUL FOR ALL I HAVE LEARNED REPRINTED FROM GRAPEVINE MAGAZINE, NOVEMBER 1968 16 November 2011