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Grapevine : November 2011
like and accept me. I grew up in the Fellowship of AA. My mother sent my brother and me to Alateen. I went to many meet- ings with her over the years but did not understand until I was older why I felt so comfortable and fit in around the people I met there. I did go to meetings for myself when I was 19 because I had discovered an out- side issue that took me down very fast. I knew that I could be around clean and sober people at meetings and that they would help me to not want to continue doing the drugs. When I felt confident that I had that issue "under control," I went back to drinking. Unfortunately, I had not surrendered or done any of the things suggested. I didn't even let anyone get close enough to me to give it a chance. I did not know then what the solution even was that the program had to offer. I was not ready, and also I was not open to hearing it. I continued to experience blackouts and chaos in my life for many more years. I was in several car accidents that miraculously didn't kill me, al- though I came closer to death than I wanted on more than one occasion, and not as close as I would have liked on others. I experienced massive bouts of depression and a few emotional breakdowns, and I truly believed that my life was the way it was because of the actions of others. I never did look at my part in things. I was a mother at a very young age, and sadly, I was not anywhere close to the kind of parent I always promised myself I would be. I did not even know how to properly care for myself. Thank God my bottom was an emotional one. I came to at around 4:30 A.M. the day after my birthday with my youngest son asking me things like, "Why again? Why do you always do these things?" I had no idea what he was talking about. I was coming to from a blackout---again. I quickly realized that because of my son, I did not wake up in jail that day for assaulting the man we were liv- ing with. My son had pleaded with him and told him, "She will be fine, once she is sober; this has happened many times." The acceptance I heard in my son that day brought me to my knees. I finally looked at myself and realized that I needed help. I had not been to a meeting in years but had met a friend online who I knew had experience in recovery. So I called him and asked him to take me to a meeting. He sounded pleased to hear from me and quickly came to I quickly realized that because of my son, I did not wake up in jail that day for assaulting the man we were living with. 54 November 2011