by clicking the arrows at the side of the page, or by using the toolbar.
by clicking anywhere on the page.
by dragging the page around when zoomed in.
by clicking anywhere on the page when zoomed in.
web sites or send emails by clicking on hyperlinks.
Email this page to a friend
Search this issue
Index - jump to page or section
Archive - view past issues
Grapevine : December 2011
realized it was self-will run riot. My wife didn’t share in my so- ber plan. She offered me drinks and drugs and tried to seduce me into our war. I had to leave. I did the hardest thing I ever did in my life—leave my daughter with my sparring partner. Although my sponsor said “it gets bet- ter,” it sure didn’t feel like it. “Leave it to God,” my sponsor would say. “Pray to God to hold on to your feelings of pain, shame, fear and misery until you can manage them.” Feelings may have been a part of living for normal people, but not for someone who was never allowed, nor allowed himself, to be real. I played a role under the mask of alcohol, but I was desperate and took the sugges- tions from my sponsor like a man hanging fiercely off the edge of a deep, dark canyon, because, for the first time in my life, I saw hope. My sponsor told me, “Don’t drink, and go to meetings.” When I would say “But ...” he would inter- rupt me and say it again. He told me to do 90 meetings in 90 days, and before I could say, “What, a meeting every day?!” he’d interrupt and say, “You drank every day. Go to a meet- ing every day.” He helped me through the Steps and slowly but surely, I con- quered the fear. I now have the weap- ons to do battle with the fear. As an alcoholic, I have a whisper in my ear: “Don’t go to the meeting ... Don’t talk to those people ... Isolate ...” but I rec- ognize the pattern now. I recognize that my alcoholic mind knows what to do to get me to the mental state of that first drink. I don’t have control over people, places and things, but through the grace of God (as I understand him) and the AA program, I have learned self-discipline and self-control. All the Promises have come true, including losing that deep-seated fear of people. I know I cannot do it alone. Tony C. Chicago, Ill. Discussion topic T here were times that, in a drunken stupor, I wanted to drive out to my parents’ home and beat my father to near death, but I settled for the closest drunk,” writes the author of “Deep-seated rage.” Tony tried for years to overcome the violence of his childhood, but his own alcoholism kept him down. It was finally AA and outside help that gave him tools to address his anger. He was able to make tough choices, such as leav- ing his sparring-partner wife and beginning to work the Steps. “I learned the differ- ence between being crazy and acting crazy,” he says. Were you filled with anger and rage when you came to AA? What are the tools that helped you? You may use this topic at a discussion meeting, or share your experience on the i-Say bulletin board, www.aagrapevine.org. aagrapevine.org 35 GRAPE_32-35.indd 35 10/28/11 4:09 PM