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Grapevine : September 2011
aagrapevine.org 27 to her life. I could never take back those horrible things I'd done and said. ey were there, etched in history, and it was hard to concede the fact that the only thing I could do was to stop tak- ing from my mom emotion- ally and financially. Since my mother was not dependent on anyone, the opportunity to add to her life was rare, but I did whatever I could. I still felt, though, that my amends weren't satisfying. To stop being horrible a er all those years of being hor- rible just didn't feel like it was enough. is program teaches metodoallthatIcan,to the best of my ability, and the rest is up to God. So that's what I did. In early 2006, my mom was diagnosed with pan- creatic cancer. e doctors gave her four months to live. Panic overtook my family. Nobody knew what to do. is was so sudden, and the worst thing I had to deal with in sobriety. It was hard, but I kept doing what the program said: Get with God's will and trust, no matter how it turns out. I found peace in this and shared with my family o en. More than anything, I kept trying not to take from their lives. My mother and I had many great conversations about God and our rela- tionship grew. She fought her battle and, for a while, it seemed as though she was winning. e cancer was showing fewer signs and we were amazed. roughout this time, she attended treatments and doctor's appointments and her energy level suf- fered. She was doing won- derfully, considering the circumstances, and while we all knew her day was going to come, it wasn't at the forefront of our minds. We could then be more present for her. In 2007, my girlfriend and I broke up. I su ered substantial pain during this experience, so much that I didn't know if I was going to make it. A er a brief time, I realized God and AA were the only things that were going to save me, so I got lost in God. I gave of myself freely as much and as o en as I could. I started reading books about God, running fast and hard toward him, just so I could survive. My mother's health declined. She entered the hospital in December 2007. Without a second's thought, I volunteered to stay overnight with her. One morning, the doctor came in and said he was going to move her to the ninth floor, the cancer patient floor. Interpreting this to mean the cancer was winning, my mother's face turned scared and hopeless and she started to cry, pulling at her hair and grimacing. When I had realized I had to quit drinking or it was going to kill me, I was also scared out of my mind and hope- less, because until then I couldn't stop. I saw those feelings in my mother and I broke down. My mother wasn't going to be around much longer. I wasn't sure how I would live without her. My thoughts went di- rectly back to my mom and I remembered a passage from a book I was reading to help me get through my recent breakup. I reached down to get the book, turning to a chapter which